so todayy i had to go to my therapist and usually its just for family stuff about my mom being bipolar and anorexic and involved in pot cuz we dont live with her and the divorce and stuff which is good to talk about but my fucking dad emailed her and told her about my dieting and my weight and how hes noticing the same things he saw with my mom! i thought i was doing so good hiding it from him? but i will have to try harder i ,mean he did live with my mom for 20 years and 18 of those years she was anorexic and hospitalized so he knows EVERYTHING because she was good , amazing , she still is. her control level wow... any day she can just say i look kinda fat and she wont eat for three days like its nothing and workout on the fourth day then have junk food for like a month and stay her set weight and thats skinny. her matabolism has been so screwed over the years it doesnt know how to gain anymore she just stays skinny AnD eats. thats what i want i wanted to be born witht hat where your just skinny and eat all you want. those skinny bitches at my lunch table piss me off , they dont have a care in the world there they are eating there damn pizza and fries and im looking at there collar bones. wtf things just arent fair. but anyway my therapist is telling me that i have to see her twice a week now and that her dad will email her and see if i do her ''plan'' which is to eat normally but healthy and workout 45 min a day. ok when i workout i feel so good i go longer everytime AND when i workout i feel so good i just dont wanna eat at all like it drives me,. so shes stupid, it just gonna make it worse on her part to deal with me cuz my dads just gonna have to watch me workout all the time and barely eat cuz thats wat working out makes me wanna do. fuck it i dnt even care if my dad sees me anymore , whats he gonna do? ...im jjust frusterated and venting and i just wanna get shit out on here, ughh .. i know i cant just do wat i want and not hide it cuz then he would think abotu putting me in some sort of a rehab place and tahts shit cuz im still fat anyway i dont even look like im ''anorexic'' ....i hate them. im not eating if i dont want to , maybe if they knew how i felt if they knew i cried in the mirror and grabbed all my fat everytime before i take shower. i have tons of new clothes and im ashamed to wear any of them . i just wear sweatshirts and i want my new clothes on ! or ill buy a size too small so i HAVE to lose to wear it. watever i know thats fucked up but you guys know how i feel thats what i love. at least theres someone.

mmk havent posted in a while becuase my enternets been down all week. ughhhhh im on my period so cravings are hard to get by . and i never have the engery to workout with cramps - i get them REALL bad, this sucks. todayy i've only had a bagel and some water. i dont even have the engery to figure out my calories today im just gonna eat not too much. maybe some yogurt later a water. and so ceral. 

peace & love. 

sarah <3

so i' m doing much better today =] worked out a little and soem of the girls on here helped me out and made me not feel as bad. thanks girls! ... today i have had  water and diet green tea and some of a greek salad. - high in fiber. but i'm really not too hungry. but i know i have to eat more if  i want to lose weight . just liquids doesnt do much because your body holds on to the fat it has. so you need to put a good amount of calories in so it can have somethign to burn with along with your fat. i'm thinking ill have some triscuts and maybe some salad later.

=] byee

so i'm in michigan now at my aunts house. i'm babysitting my little cousins right now. but thier sleeping. ok so today . good news and horrible news. good: at eleven this morning i had celery and water. then around three i had a peanut bar and water. then i got to my aunts and they ordered pizza and i didnt eat any.
bad news: so i'm babysitting and i got a little hungry and i'm looking around and theres the pizza box my dumbass opens it and theres three pieces. ya guess wat fat pig ate them . me! i have been doing so good this week! i have lost 5 pounds.. ugh i hate myslef. now its all gonna come right back. ew im disgusted I'm fasting tomorrow. bye

hmm  so i leave for michigan tomorrow. great. big family dinner =/ but i can work somethin out i did good today but ill post later moms home.
bye <3

doing  wonderful today =] im in a pretty good mood considering what i've eaten. : breakfest - banna and some crackers to keep the matabolism up and water. lunch : salad, with lowfat dressing big water bottle. afterschool, a piece of salami and a water. for dinner i'm thinking a salad with some lowfat yogurt and a water. then workout! <33 ill update later tonight to see if i could actually follow through and not screw myslef over. school was so shitty today though , i had 4 test adn i couldnt concentrate i've just been too tired lately. but being skinny is worth A N Y T H I N G. 

byee<3

i honesltly hate myself right now. i did so good today. i had a lowfat yogurt. a banna. a salad. i did great until at eight o'clock my brother came in with a bowl of chedder cheese chips and i ate them i ate them like a pig, they were so good and i hate myself for it. i just tried to purge and i can feel it coming up but all i'm gettin is watery eyes. i guess i'll go try again? i fucking pissed.

i feel horrile i ate after six last night and thats really bad =/ and even worse it was some of my dads sandwhich he made, very fattening . i think today i'm just going to water fast and work out , but ive heard woking out and not eating just makes your muscle go away adn no fat? my moms been telllin me i should stick with 1800 cal a day and work out and after i lose ten pounds THEn i can go back to like really low calories, because if i do it too soon my body will just go into starvation mode and not lose any weight . and thats not good! she was anorexic for eighteen years so i wanna trust her that shes right. or maybe shes just trying to trick me into eating. some help would be great? post how you think i should start out to lose weight really fast. thanks!